Let it go

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." It's a horribly banal cliché, but a true one. What I do and think today will lead directly into who I am, what I do, what I think, and who I become tomorrow.

And who am I really? A woman capable of intense, self-sacrificing love. One who hurts when others hurt; who feels drawn to companionship; who likes space and quiet for her thoughts, yet desperately desires someone to share them with.

I would like to smell fresh-baked bread. To stop at one when one is enough. To choose to move towards instead of running away from. Not to follow, but just to go.

I sleep for hours to escape it all. Awake, I gaze out the window alone. A woman rides by on a motorized scooter, an orange flag streaming behind her. Two girls on bikes, young and laughing. They wear tank tops and shorts. They are beautiful. They belong.

I worry endlessly. Do I have to keep doing something I hate just because it's a way to sometimes earn money? Can I be brave enough to say "no" to what I no longer enjoy? Or do I nod, "Yes, of course I'll do it!" because I don't want to lose the connection; the opportunity; my good reputation--just in case.

I become so annoyed when things don't work out perfectly the first time. I always think: "There has to be an easier way." But is there?

Let it go.




A poem comes to mind, from the days I spent obsessed with T.S. Eliot and e.e. cummings, copying poems in my journal from the textbooks of the English teachers I baby-sat for. Perhaps there is an easier way.

let it go - the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise - let it go it
was sworn to
go

let them go - the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers - you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go - the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things - let all go
dear

so comes love

~ e. e. cummings ~

The many people that I thought were friends: I must let them go--they were born to go; never meant to stay forever. The smashed word broken ("I love you--I do"): let it go--it was sworn to go. The life I thought I had: let it go--it was born to go.

If I let all go: the big and small; what seems important and what doesn't; what I want desperately to hold on to, and what I hardly care to lose--once I've let go of all and everything, only then will I find room inside myself for more. When I am empty of all else, there will be room for love, rushing in to fill the empty places. The love of others; of my true self and her strength; love for myself, and for what I can and am creating. In leaving all behind I will be whole.

Open the doors and empty myself. Let it all bleed out.

Let it go.