Thankful Thursday

I'm exhausted today. And since I was still up on my computer this morning at 6:30 AM when my sister got up for work, I shouldn't be surprised. I'm still struggling to find a happy medium between going to bed far too early (and then waking up 2 hours later) and staying up far too late.

So in the interest of my health and a sense of normalcy, I'll try, once again, to write short tonight!

Today I'm thankful for:

* My sister. She's lived here years longer than I have, and already has an established life and group of friends, yet she's still willing to drive across town to pick me up, so we can see each other in the little free time she has. I may be jealous of her apartment, but she's willing to share it with me; to let me sleep on her living room couch and enjoy her beautifully decorated Christmas tree. Her building has an indoor/outdoor pool (the pool's indoors, but you have to walk across the parking lot to reach it!), and last night I went swimming in it with her for the first time. The entire room was steamy, but since the pool was 85 degrees, it felt wonderful to float along in the water and talk, as we tread water and swam leisurely back and forth.

* Friends who already know. I hadn't seen my sister much over the holiday season, so we'd planned to get together Wednesday afternoon and evening. She called the day before that to say that one of our old friends was in town and she'd invited her to join us for dinner. We hadn't seen this friend for 6 or 7 years, as she'd moved to Europe to be with her boyfriend, and my mind automatically jumped to all the explaining I'd have to do. To drive the stake in further, she was newly engaged--back here with her family as she made plans and visited friends. I finally agreed that I'd be okay (what else could I say?), just as long as she explained to our friend beforehand that my husband had left me and I wasn't doing well; that I probably wouldn't feel much like talking, although I wanted to hear all about her. For once, I was foolish to worry. As I tried to explain my reluctance to see people, my friend simply said, "I know I don't comment, but I read your blog." And I relaxed completely. She KNEW and expected nothing from me. She barely mentioned her engagement and talked about other things--and I, in turn, enjoyed her company. Thank you for surprising me, my Canadian/Swedish friend!

* My little sleep helpers. I can't explain, after a lifetime of untreated sleep apnea choked down with nightmares and insomnia caused by PTSD, how amazing it is to be able to lie down at night and know that 9 times out of 10, my mind will let me be, and my body will rest until it's had its fill. Wearing my CPAP machine and mask may be crazy-making at times, and I may complain about packing and unpacking it whenever I travel, but the simple fact is: I wouldn't be breathing without it. As for the pain medication and sleeping pills that help me stay asleep and ward off the demon of bad dreams, I will be eternally grateful. Throw in the mask that covers my eyes, and I sleep better than any baby. Who cares if I still need 10 or 12 hours in bed? As for my exactly-right-squishiness pillow and my king-size bed in its nook of walls and 5 foot tall bookshelves, I love you for keeping my neck and back more pain-free than they would be otherwise. And let's not forget that no one's here to notice whether or not that bed gets made!

Well, my bed is calling and tomorrow has enough writing time of its own. Coming up: a visit to Mary's! But first I have a blog to post and two sleepy cats waiting to join me in slumberland.